Yeah yeah yeah, no blog in months - I KNOW! (I really should blog more often, my poor friend Amber I am sure is sick to death of hearing my daily diatribe, of not only world but my life injustices. But there are times when I really don't think what I have to say is blog worthy, just a bunch of random musings that shouldn't be set free into the interwebs)
This year I have challenged myself to read 100 books, I didn't enter into this until the middle of January, so averaging 2 books a week I am already a little behind! I figure several well over due holidays this year shall rectify that situation.
So far I have read some great books, and of course some not so wonderful titles... currently I am reading Jodi Picoult's new offering "The Storyteller" which leads me to my blog..
The *blurbs* on the book covers really don't do what they should - I went into reading "The Slap" thinking it was something completely different to what it turned out to be.. completely misguided by the publishing world and frankly several hours of my life I would like back. Likewise with Picoult's "The Storyteller" - I thought I was going to embark on a novel about a baker (something I am obviously interested in) with the twist of a (modern day) moral dilemma/law and order plot, I should have known better. Here I am half way through, propelled into 1940's Nazi Germany.
Now I have read several books about war time Germany from many angles, fact and works of fiction, throughout my life, and several while being stationed her IN Germany (The True Story of Hansel and Gretel, The Candy Bombers, The Book Thief to name but a few)- it has however taken up until now and THIS novel, to make me feel slightly uncomfortable, and open up a vein of disgust with mankind that I didn't even know existed within me. Call me naive if you will, and it certainly isn't a case of "ignorance is bliss" because I've know for a long time The Holocaust happened. I *know* to what extent good people suffered, not only Jews but those not of pure race or Aryan descent, but I have never been moved before like I was today.
There is a certain passage in the book where a former SS officer an "Untersturmfuhrer' (company commander) describes how during an "Aktion" in Poland, where it took 2 days of constant shooting to kill over 2000 Jews, he came across a mother and young child in the last group - this is at a point where the led people to a trench full of bodies, not bothering any longer to cover each layer with earth, but instead making people lie face down on those already dead or dying - the passage tells the story of how the mother carried the little girl and told her not to look, to keep her eyes closed. How she placed the girl amongst the fallen bodies as if tucking her in for the night, and then how she began to sing, a well known lullaby, not in the words of the SS man, but with the same melody. It struck me during this passage, as I read through tears, just how many people suffered, not just grown men, but women and children. People who gave in to their fate, watching hundreds being slaughtered while waiting in line to die, extremely brave people, people out of options. I know that pre Sophia I would be touched by this "story" but now as a mother myself, it opens up a whole new avenue of thought.
There is also the part of me that can't comprehend how I live here 70 years on amongst descendants of a nation who stood by and let the atrocity happen. When we arrive in Germany we are told not to discuss the war with local nationals, it's not the "done" thing. I get it, Germany was in a bad place, the Chancellor came along and promised a better life for the working and middle classes - but he had once tried and failed to overthrow the government, it really should have been a clue. Most of the Germans I know are young, their parents, maybe even grandparents weren't even alive at the time - but there are a few, who would have only been children at the time - but they were here nonetheless. It hurts my heart, and today with half a story (I am aware this is a work of fiction) left to read, I don't want to live here.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I Hate it When I Don't Know Where Stories Come From..
.. like this one
Snowy Christmas Eve
There was once a man who didn't believe in God, and he didn't hesitate to let others know how he felt about religion and religious holidays, like Christmas. His wife, however, did believe, and she raised their children to also have faith in God and Jesus, despite his disparaging comments.
One snowy Christmas Eve, his wife was taking their children to a Christmas Eve service in the farm community in which they lived. She asked him to come, but he refused. "That story is nonsense!" he said. "Why would God lower Himself to come to Earth as a man? That's ridiculous!" So she and the children left, and he stayed home. A while later, the winds grew stronger and the snow turned into a blizzard. As the man looked out the window, all he saw was a blinding snowstorm. He sat down to relax before the fire for the evening. Then he heard a loud thump. Something had hit the window. Then another thump. He looked out, but couldn't see more than a few feet.
When the snow let up a little, he ventured outside to see what could have been beating on his window. In the field near his house he saw a flock of wild geese. Apparently they had been flying south for the winter when they got caught in the snowstorm and could not go on. They were lost and stranded on his farm, with no food or shelter. They just flapped their wings and flew around the field in low circles, blindly and aimlessly. A couple of them had flown into his window, it seemed. The man felt sorry for the geese and wanted to help them. The barn would be a great place for them to stay, he thought. It is warm and safe; surely they could spend the night and wait out the storm. So he walked over to the barn and opened the doors wide, then watched and waited, hoping they would notice the open barn and go inside. But the geese just fluttered around aimlessly and did not seem to notice the barn or realize what it could mean for them.
The man tried to get their attention, but that just seemed to scare them and they moved further away. He went into the house and came back out with some bread, broke it up, and made a breadcrumbs trail leading to the barn. They still didn't catch on. Now he was getting frustrated. He got behind them and tried to shoo them toward the barn, but they only got more scared and scattered in every direction except toward the barn. Nothing he did could get them to go into the barn where they would be warm and safe.
"Why don't they follow me?!" he exclaimed. "Can't they see this is the only place where they can survive the storm?" He thought for a moment and realized that they just wouldn't follow a human. "If only I were a goose, then I could save them," he said out loud. Then he had an idea. He went into barn, got one of his own geese, and carried it in his arms as he circled around behind the flock of wild geese. He then released it. His goose flew through the flock and straight into the barn -- and one by one the other geese followed it to safety.
He stood silently for a moment as the words he had spoken a few minutes earlier replayed in his mind:
"If only I were a goose, then I could save them!"
Then he thought about what he had said to his wife earlier.
"Why would God want to be like us? That's ridiculous!"
Suddenly it all made sense. That is what God had done.
We were like the geese -- blind, lost, perishing. God had His Son become like us so He could show us the way and save us.
That was the meaning of Christmas, he realized. As the winds and blinding snow died down, his soul became quiet and pondered this wonderful thought. Suddenly he understood what Christmas was all about, why Christ had come. Years of doubt and disbelief vanished like the passing storm. He fell to his knees in the snow, and prayed his first prayer:
"Thank You Jesus for coming in human form to show me the way out of the storm!"
If you know me well, you know I am kinda on the fence when it comes to religion - I read Sophia bible stories, we celebrate Christian Holidays, we have a Nativity scene - but we don't go to church, I haven't taught my daughter how to pray - even though I do it myself - I am hoping she forms her own beliefs and ideas, just as I have done. I hope showing her how to be kind and generous, patient and loving will lead her down a path of discovery.
It's been a rough couple of days for me and a few people I know well, my heart is a little broken for many reasons and I'm finding it difficult to function, let alone get excited for Christmas.. I just need a good cry and something good to believe in right now.... religious or not.
Snowy Christmas Eve
There was once a man who didn't believe in God, and he didn't hesitate to let others know how he felt about religion and religious holidays, like Christmas. His wife, however, did believe, and she raised their children to also have faith in God and Jesus, despite his disparaging comments.
One snowy Christmas Eve, his wife was taking their children to a Christmas Eve service in the farm community in which they lived. She asked him to come, but he refused. "That story is nonsense!" he said. "Why would God lower Himself to come to Earth as a man? That's ridiculous!" So she and the children left, and he stayed home. A while later, the winds grew stronger and the snow turned into a blizzard. As the man looked out the window, all he saw was a blinding snowstorm. He sat down to relax before the fire for the evening. Then he heard a loud thump. Something had hit the window. Then another thump. He looked out, but couldn't see more than a few feet.
When the snow let up a little, he ventured outside to see what could have been beating on his window. In the field near his house he saw a flock of wild geese. Apparently they had been flying south for the winter when they got caught in the snowstorm and could not go on. They were lost and stranded on his farm, with no food or shelter. They just flapped their wings and flew around the field in low circles, blindly and aimlessly. A couple of them had flown into his window, it seemed. The man felt sorry for the geese and wanted to help them. The barn would be a great place for them to stay, he thought. It is warm and safe; surely they could spend the night and wait out the storm. So he walked over to the barn and opened the doors wide, then watched and waited, hoping they would notice the open barn and go inside. But the geese just fluttered around aimlessly and did not seem to notice the barn or realize what it could mean for them.
The man tried to get their attention, but that just seemed to scare them and they moved further away. He went into the house and came back out with some bread, broke it up, and made a breadcrumbs trail leading to the barn. They still didn't catch on. Now he was getting frustrated. He got behind them and tried to shoo them toward the barn, but they only got more scared and scattered in every direction except toward the barn. Nothing he did could get them to go into the barn where they would be warm and safe.
"Why don't they follow me?!" he exclaimed. "Can't they see this is the only place where they can survive the storm?" He thought for a moment and realized that they just wouldn't follow a human. "If only I were a goose, then I could save them," he said out loud. Then he had an idea. He went into barn, got one of his own geese, and carried it in his arms as he circled around behind the flock of wild geese. He then released it. His goose flew through the flock and straight into the barn -- and one by one the other geese followed it to safety.
He stood silently for a moment as the words he had spoken a few minutes earlier replayed in his mind:
"If only I were a goose, then I could save them!"
Then he thought about what he had said to his wife earlier.
"Why would God want to be like us? That's ridiculous!"
Suddenly it all made sense. That is what God had done.
We were like the geese -- blind, lost, perishing. God had His Son become like us so He could show us the way and save us.
That was the meaning of Christmas, he realized. As the winds and blinding snow died down, his soul became quiet and pondered this wonderful thought. Suddenly he understood what Christmas was all about, why Christ had come. Years of doubt and disbelief vanished like the passing storm. He fell to his knees in the snow, and prayed his first prayer:
"Thank You Jesus for coming in human form to show me the way out of the storm!"
If you know me well, you know I am kinda on the fence when it comes to religion - I read Sophia bible stories, we celebrate Christian Holidays, we have a Nativity scene - but we don't go to church, I haven't taught my daughter how to pray - even though I do it myself - I am hoping she forms her own beliefs and ideas, just as I have done. I hope showing her how to be kind and generous, patient and loving will lead her down a path of discovery.
It's been a rough couple of days for me and a few people I know well, my heart is a little broken for many reasons and I'm finding it difficult to function, let alone get excited for Christmas.. I just need a good cry and something good to believe in right now.... religious or not.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The Show MUST Go On!
My child is such a trooper (ignore my post from earlier this week!), born to be a star! She hasn't been running at 100% for a week or so now, and got quite sick last night - when I woke up this morning, I told her school was out of the question. Sophia was distraught to say the least, today was her Nativity play, in a *show must go on* kinda deal we worked out that if she could keep down some crackers & sprite, she could go to school and be the Angel that she is.... she was the cutest Angel I have ever seen!
Quick Update I know - I'll add some pics when I get them from the camera!
Quick Update I know - I'll add some pics when I get them from the camera!
Monday, December 10, 2012
The Nativity Part 1
Sophia has been cast as a "Gospel Angel" in her school's nativity play, they are the school with the role for every child deal - with only 44 children, who can really blame them? Sophia told me tonight that when she gets to school tomorrow, she is going to tell her teacher that she wants to be Mary.....good luck with that! I told her that she's an Angel and they can fly, Mary just stands there holding "the baby" - figuring that would win Sophia over... nope she WANTS to hold the baby... it's "Baby Jesus Mummy"
They've been practising parts on and off for weeks, tomorrow is the rehearsal, Wednesday the timed dress rehearsal and Thursday is the real deal... I mean they're 3-6 year olds, they could NOT rehearse and it would still be just as amusing/cute/hilarious/insert your own adjective here! Sophia got to try on her costume today while practising her part.. I asked her if she sang along with the songs "No I just stood there and picked my nose" OH JOY.. at least she's honest.. her teacher reassured me that some helpful soul will catch that part on film on Thursday, and I can forever hold it over Sophia's head!
So all this nativity business led to the talk about Jesus..
Sophia - "How old is Jesus"
Me - "Well he's not alive in this world any more.. he was born, died for our sins on the cross, was resurrected and is now in Heaven"
Sophia - "But how old is he?"
Me - "2012"
Sophia - "What's his number?"
Me - "2012"
Sophia - "No his NUMBER"
Me - "His letter? J, J for Jesus J J J"
Sophia - "How old is Mary?"
Me - "Mary lived a long time ago, she's dead now"
Sophia - "Oh NO, Joseph is going to be SO sad"
She has a fair point there....!
They've been practising parts on and off for weeks, tomorrow is the rehearsal, Wednesday the timed dress rehearsal and Thursday is the real deal... I mean they're 3-6 year olds, they could NOT rehearse and it would still be just as amusing/cute/hilarious/insert your own adjective here! Sophia got to try on her costume today while practising her part.. I asked her if she sang along with the songs "No I just stood there and picked my nose" OH JOY.. at least she's honest.. her teacher reassured me that some helpful soul will catch that part on film on Thursday, and I can forever hold it over Sophia's head!
So all this nativity business led to the talk about Jesus..
Sophia - "How old is Jesus"
Me - "Well he's not alive in this world any more.. he was born, died for our sins on the cross, was resurrected and is now in Heaven"
Sophia - "But how old is he?"
Me - "2012"
Sophia - "What's his number?"
Me - "2012"
Sophia - "No his NUMBER"
Me - "His letter? J, J for Jesus J J J"
Sophia - "How old is Mary?"
Me - "Mary lived a long time ago, she's dead now"
Sophia - "Oh NO, Joseph is going to be SO sad"
She has a fair point there....!
Friday, December 7, 2012
My child is a BRAT!
Or maybe we've just had a rough few days - she's been a demon and I'm hoping she doesn't continue down this path of destructive behaviour. I'm not exactly sure when it started, but my sweet non-tantrum throwing sweet-pea (and me telling her this constantly might have been where my downfall started) who skipped over the terrible-twos, has thrown herself head first into the FUCKING-TERRIBLE-FEARSOME-THREES!
The feet stamping has GOT.TO.STOP, I have no idea where it came from, but it's one trick I hope she un-learns REAL soon. She's had more stints on the naughty step this week than Lindsay Lohan has had days in jail.... and she's not quiet while she's there, she screams and shouts and continues her little tirade.. my policy is 3 minutes, but then I thought F-that, you're 3 minutes start when you're quiet, which of course never happens!
I read all that parenting crap telling me it's her way to vent frustration, one side of her brain is growing faster than the other, and she doesn't know how to process these new feelings. Where once upon a time if she couldn't do something she'd ask for help.. now she bursts into a fit of screaming tears and the world is ending. I ask myself if this is so, why is she such an angel at school - there are no tears there, no fits of rage and frustration - I'm sure if there were they would be calling me in for a little chat! No, at school she is the epitome of serene, they even cast her as a Gospel Angel in the upcoming nativity!
Sophia has always had an amazing imagination she entertains herself for hours on end, making up stories and characters.. and now she has friends.. OK she's an only child, it's to be expected.. but instead of going down the path my cousin did, his imaginary friend "Mingle" was a sweet kind thing, she has gone the way of my sister and "Dorothy". Sophia's best imaginary friend (because she has a few) is Peter Pan... and just like in the Disney movie, he's a little argumentative sh*t.... Peter Pan takes the blame for everything naughty that happens in our house, if Sophia gets hurt "Peter Pan did it" if something gets broken it's his fault - if Sophia won't change out of her school uniform or talks back, it's because Peter Pan is telling her (not) to do it. Tonight as I'm brushing her teeth, she blew a toothpaste ladened raspberry at me.. looked me square in the face and said "Peter did it" not skipping a beat. Lying in bed she's drifting off to sleep and asks for some juice, I tell her she had enough at dinner and that I didn't bring any up to bed... she continues to drift off, fiddling with my lips as usual, then out of the blue, she pinches off a big piece of skin from my bottom lip - she says "Peter said to do that because you wouldn't get me any juice" turns around and goes to sleep!
I've told her if Peter Pan continues to misbehave he will no longer be welcome in our house and will be banished to Neverland... Sophia turns around and says "He told me to leave a window open for him when you're not looking".. This kid is too smart for her own good.. Someone has got to go Peter OR Sophia...!
The feet stamping has GOT.TO.STOP, I have no idea where it came from, but it's one trick I hope she un-learns REAL soon. She's had more stints on the naughty step this week than Lindsay Lohan has had days in jail.... and she's not quiet while she's there, she screams and shouts and continues her little tirade.. my policy is 3 minutes, but then I thought F-that, you're 3 minutes start when you're quiet, which of course never happens!
I read all that parenting crap telling me it's her way to vent frustration, one side of her brain is growing faster than the other, and she doesn't know how to process these new feelings. Where once upon a time if she couldn't do something she'd ask for help.. now she bursts into a fit of screaming tears and the world is ending. I ask myself if this is so, why is she such an angel at school - there are no tears there, no fits of rage and frustration - I'm sure if there were they would be calling me in for a little chat! No, at school she is the epitome of serene, they even cast her as a Gospel Angel in the upcoming nativity!
Sophia has always had an amazing imagination she entertains herself for hours on end, making up stories and characters.. and now she has friends.. OK she's an only child, it's to be expected.. but instead of going down the path my cousin did, his imaginary friend "Mingle" was a sweet kind thing, she has gone the way of my sister and "Dorothy". Sophia's best imaginary friend (because she has a few) is Peter Pan... and just like in the Disney movie, he's a little argumentative sh*t.... Peter Pan takes the blame for everything naughty that happens in our house, if Sophia gets hurt "Peter Pan did it" if something gets broken it's his fault - if Sophia won't change out of her school uniform or talks back, it's because Peter Pan is telling her (not) to do it. Tonight as I'm brushing her teeth, she blew a toothpaste ladened raspberry at me.. looked me square in the face and said "Peter did it" not skipping a beat. Lying in bed she's drifting off to sleep and asks for some juice, I tell her she had enough at dinner and that I didn't bring any up to bed... she continues to drift off, fiddling with my lips as usual, then out of the blue, she pinches off a big piece of skin from my bottom lip - she says "Peter said to do that because you wouldn't get me any juice" turns around and goes to sleep!
I've told her if Peter Pan continues to misbehave he will no longer be welcome in our house and will be banished to Neverland... Sophia turns around and says "He told me to leave a window open for him when you're not looking".. This kid is too smart for her own good.. Someone has got to go Peter OR Sophia...!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Do Something That Scares You Everyday...
I've heard (or seen this written) countless times in self help, proverb based texts/pins/inspirational photos, but who actually does this... who *wants* to be scared everyday? Sure I have days where I do things I find scary (driving to England by myself, going to the dentist, flying - and lets not forget that standing on the scale every morning makes my blood pressure jump just a little) and there are plenty of days where I do an abundance of things I don't like doing.. but none of it is super scary on a daily basis - Yesterday I embraced the crazy scary with MOMS Club and climbed to the tippy top of the rock wall at Outdoor Rec.
When I woke yesterday morning, I was already telling myself that I was going to cancel my plans and stay home, I had a headache, Sophia wasn't feeling 100% and wasn't sure if she was going to school - an hour later I was pushing her into her classroom and starting my day at the commissary, but I still had that thought in the back of my head, the one that says "it's scary, don't go.. stay at home on the sofa." As the day went on, my resolve to NOT go disappeared, the more I discussed it with my friends (who were unsure about going) the more determined I became, not just determined to go, but to get to the actual top!
AND I DID!
I was first up the wall, (volunteered by my friend Beth and strapped up to my billet in 10 seconds flat) I just tried to get up there as fast as I could, knowing that once I was at the top I was done and could put my feet on the floor again! Repelling/rebounding down the wall was WAY more fun than going up - once my feet were firmly planted on solid ground I told myself I was done and wouldn't do that again.... but a few minutes later, after the shakes stopped and I recovered my composure (although I'm sure I looked nothing but brave and serene to my friends) I went up AGAIN - a different side of the wall, which I found trickier than the first, but still managed it up the the top to ding the little "bell".
This morning I showed the photos to Sophia, her first question was of course "did you ding the bell" - my brave climber monkey climbed the rock wall a few months back, she got pretty high for a 3 year old, higher than I though I myself would get! She gave me a big beaming smile and patted me on the back...!
Trying to think of something I can do today that might scare me.... I think looking under my bed at all the dust bunnies is a good start!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Viva L'Europa!
We really are blessed to live in Europe (I mean JOSH is really blessed to live here, I'm English, EUROPE is what I know) - the past few months we have taken every opportunity to get out at the weekend and see as much as we can - day tripping (45 minutes!) to France for wine and macaroons (yum), visiting Colmar and Eguisheim in the Alsace region (most beautiful town and village in France - FACT) travelling around Germany and this last weekend spending time in The Netherlands exploring the Valkenburg Caves Christmas markets and the surrounding area.
People often ask when we "plan" to head "back" to A-Merica... ummmm the weekend after NEVER. Seriously we plan to visit next year, but as far as anything else goes, I'm not sure that is ever going to happen (please Air Force Gods smile down on us and don't send me there!) Why oh why would we give all this *spreading arms and turning in circles* up? Europe is pretty safe (no hurricanes/tsunamis/recent major earthquakes/tropical storms etc etc) it's a great place to raise children, easy to navigate and travel around, the people are amazing I can go on and on.. Just this weekend, we stayed at a small hotel in Maastricht, during dinner a lady from the restaurant asked Sophia if she wanted to leave her boot by the fireplace, so if St. Klaus happened to visit in the night, he would have a place to leave her gifts.... the next morning we came down to breakfast to find a boot full of sweets, biscuits and toys - where else would you get that treatment, other than Europe?!?
I really have nothing against America, it's a great place to take a holiday, but unlike a lot of "local nationals' I didn't marry Josh so that we could move there.. when I met Josh, I was happy with my life in England and giving that all up to move away was gut wrenching, even more so knowing that the opportunity and assignment may not present itself, and we may never live there again - the people I know, all have to give up their hometowns and lives, when they get stationed in Europe for x number of years, but they all know they will eventually head back to the place they love.. HOME.. so forgive me if I harp on about how great this place is..
People often ask when we "plan" to head "back" to A-Merica... ummmm the weekend after NEVER. Seriously we plan to visit next year, but as far as anything else goes, I'm not sure that is ever going to happen (please Air Force Gods smile down on us and don't send me there!) Why oh why would we give all this *spreading arms and turning in circles* up? Europe is pretty safe (no hurricanes/tsunamis/recent major earthquakes/tropical storms etc etc) it's a great place to raise children, easy to navigate and travel around, the people are amazing I can go on and on.. Just this weekend, we stayed at a small hotel in Maastricht, during dinner a lady from the restaurant asked Sophia if she wanted to leave her boot by the fireplace, so if St. Klaus happened to visit in the night, he would have a place to leave her gifts.... the next morning we came down to breakfast to find a boot full of sweets, biscuits and toys - where else would you get that treatment, other than Europe?!?
I really have nothing against America, it's a great place to take a holiday, but unlike a lot of "local nationals' I didn't marry Josh so that we could move there.. when I met Josh, I was happy with my life in England and giving that all up to move away was gut wrenching, even more so knowing that the opportunity and assignment may not present itself, and we may never live there again - the people I know, all have to give up their hometowns and lives, when they get stationed in Europe for x number of years, but they all know they will eventually head back to the place they love.. HOME.. so forgive me if I harp on about how great this place is..
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